March 21, 2014. Today is a day that I should be celebrating. Instead, I’m grieving. Our baby boy’s due date was today. Instead of holding him, kissing him, and introducing him to our family, we can only light a candle and remember what could have been.
It is such a terrible feeling to have to grieve for your baby. And though after experiencing it, I’ve found that many other people I know have gone through it, I still feel like I’m alone. I’ve been blogging about it ever since it happened, and I’ve had several people tell me that my blog has helped them with their own experiences, or to understand how someone who has had a miscarriage is feeling. Honestly, that was the main reason I wanted to blog about it. Talking to other people who know what it feels like really helped me deal with the situation. Helped me understand that what I was feeling was normal. But today I still feel alone. It’s been 6 months since our miscarriage, and most other people have forgotten about it. Only a few select people still ask me how I’m doing. The world has forgotten about our lost baby, but we haven’t. And we never will.
In reviewing how I felt at the time, I still have some of the same feelings. My hopes and dreams for my baby boy still haunt me. I want to know what he would have been like. I want to have had an impact on his life. I still want us to be mommy and daddy. I’m still angry that our baby was taken from us when so many other women CHOOSE to end their pregnancies or women who don’t want kids have healthy pregnancies. I am still irritated when I hear women complaining about their pregnancies. Bringing a life in to the world is a gift – so stop complaining about it.
But I’ve also grown in these 6 months. I’ve learned that I can’t freeze time. That there is a reason that God took our baby from us, and though I don’t understand it, He has a good reason. I know that I’m not to blame for what happened. There was nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to save our baby. I know that I will never forget my baby. He will always be on my mind and in my heart and no one can ever take that away from me. And just because I move on with my life, doesn’t mean that I’m forgetting him. I’ve also learned that I was able to help a lot of other people with having made our announcement before losing our baby. Though I didn’t know how many other friends have been through the same thing, I have been able to help other people, and those same people have helped me. I think God knew that I would need that.
The experience has also brought to our attention what a loving support system of friends and family we have. Many of them were just as excited as we were, and were just as devastated as we were - even if they’ve never experienced a miscarriage in their own lives. It has made our marriage stronger. It brought us closer together and really helped us to open up to each other more. Under all those raw emotions, there was no way to conceal anything.
So today I will cry. I will ask God why he took our baby. I will send love up to my baby. I will light a candle in remembrance. It will be a hard day for me. For us. But I also know that our baby would want us to focus on the new baby. To not want us to love this baby any less. And though I feel like the world has forgotten our baby, especially now that we’ve announced we’re expecting again, we never will. And our baby boy knows that, and keeps watch on us from Heaven.
Remember, cherish every day, every breath you are given, because tomorrow is never promised.
“Take our million teardrops, wrap them up in love, then ask the wind to carry them, to you in Heaven above.” – sayinggoodbye.org
“As a butterfly graces our lives with one moment’s fragile beauty, so too has your baby’s presence blessed you, and those that surround you with their short life, and unique spirit. May you find peace, and joy with each butterfly that passes, knowing that your baby lives on in the hearts of all they touched.”