Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Miscarriage Update

I felt like that since it's been 7 weeks since our miscarriage, that I should write an update about how we're doing.  I'm not sure if anyone cares, but perhaps out there, there is some other women trying to figure out if how's she's feeling right now is normal.

Overall, we are doing much better emotionally. Of course we still miss our baby every day, and there's not a day that goes by that we don't think of our baby boy.  But at least we don't break down and cry everytime we think about him now.

I would say it took me about 2 weeks to be able to talk about it or think about it without crying.  A big stepping stone for me was making it through the follow-up appointment after surgery at the doctor's office.  That was really hard, and once I was through it, I felt a literal weight come off my shoulders.  The next weight was when we got the genetic testing results back.  It was so hard to learn that we still have no idea what caused the miscarriage...but at the same time it was a relief to know it wasn't something genetic that we will experience with future pregnancies.  But it was really hard when they told me it was a boy.  I had to hang up and go to the bathroom to cry about it.  I also finally got the final ultrasound picture in the mail (which we had asked for so we had a keepsake of our baby looking like a baby).  But in the ultrasound, I noticed something.  It said that I was at 13w5days. But the baby only measured at 11w3days.  So it made me realize it wasn't cause by any of the things that I beat myself up over. I hadn't been to the gym at all since 6 weeks, so if something happened around 11 weeks, it wasn't caused by that.  I stayed on the progesterone until 13 weeks. And I don't think bed rest would have helped at 13 weeks if baby stopped growing at 11 weeks.  Another weight lifted off.  I started feeling a lot lighter.  I still missed my baby so much, but I didn't have a reason to blame myself anymore.

Afterwards, most of the days got better.  There would still be times when someone would say something, or all the flowers I received after surgery died, that made me sad and cry again.  But there were more good days than bad.

Close to a month later was Miscarriage Remembrance day (October 15).  We lit a candle for our baby boy.  It was both therapuedic and heartbreaking.  When we had to blow the candle out at the end of the night, we both broke down and cried.  It was too close to reality.  We had this light shining on us for a short time, and then the candle blew out and he was gone.  But my parents and his parents also lit a candle for our baby, and that meant the world to us.

A few days later (on October 18), we found ourselves eating at the same restaurant we ate it on September 18 (the day we lost our baby).  Neither of us realized it was the 1 month anniversary until we looked at the moon and noticed it was full.  The night we lost our baby, we were driving home from dinner and I cursed the moon for what happened to us.  I needed to blame something, so the full moon seemed good at the time - I mean, it brings on warewolves!  That's pretty bad!  Haha, but anyway, that's what made us notice what day it was, and that we were sitting at the same restaurant in roughly the same place.  That turned in to a bad day.

We then had some friends come in to town and stay with us.  She has the two most adorable little girls you'll ever meet.  But she is also pregnant.  She is due in early December.  I wasn't sure how I was going to react to this, but there was no way I was going to make her stay in a hotel.  I had so much fun while they were here.  Those little girls did so much for me.  I realized that I loved being around them and I was so sad when they left.  And as far as her being wasn't that bad!  The only time where I found myself having to take a step back and a deep breath was when she was talking about feeling the baby kick. Since I still have no idea what that feels like, it was really hard for me.  But otherwise, I did really well.

At the end of October, a friend of mine had her third baby.  I was expecting to be okay with it and be really happy for her since I handled my pregnant friend so well.  But when I saw a picture of this friend with her newborn, I fell apart.  That was my worst day since Miscarriage Remembrance day.  I'm not really sure why the newborn affected me so much more than a pregnant belly, but it did.

We just recently got back from our trip to Florida as well.  This trip was originally scheduled for March 2015 (for baby's 1st birthday).  But our timeshare sample will end before we have another due date, and we needed some time away, so we bumped it up.  I bought us Halloween shirts to wear to Disneyworld, and on the left sleeve, I embroidered 9/18/13 to dedicate the trip to our baby boy.  This trip will always be in honor of him.  But it was really nice to get away and have some fun. And planning this trip really helped me not focus on my grief as much, and I think it helped prevent me from spiraling into a despair.  We have a lot of great pictures, and are looking forward to when we can bring our baby there (though we realized just how much money we will have to save up with all the souvenirs there are!)

So overall, we're doing really well.  Of course there are still things that make us sad and miss our baby. And of course we still think of our baby.  But we've learned that just because we've moved on and healed, doens't mean that there isn't still a spot for this baby in our hearts.  And when our next baby comes, we will love it with every ounce of our being.  This baby has taught us how precious life is and to never take a day for granted, because Tomorrow is Never Promised.


Dr Eka said...
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