Monday, September 18, 2017

4 Year Anniversary of Miscarriage

This past weekend has been a whirlwind. Between packing for our Disneyland trip and hosting Brooklyn’s 3rd birthday party, I didn’t really get to prepare for this day.

Today is September 18. This day will always be a dark spot on the calendar for me. When I woke up this morning I had so much to do to make sure I got out of the house in time because I have an OB appointment for Kaitlyn today and with our trip, I need to get my hours in. I really didn’t have time to reflect on this at all before I left the house today.

I brought my remembrance flower to work though and once I got here, I could slow down and really remember how our lives changed 4 years ago. I still remember what it was like walking in to the ultrasound room and how quickly it all happened between starting the machine and rushing us in to a room to wait for the doctor. I remember not believing what they were telling me. I remember crying. I remember spending days in bed not able to force myself up and deal with anything else. I remember the loss of all my hopes and dreams.

It all seems so clear still, even 4 years later. Our baby boy brought us so much hope and showed us how we could love someone we never even got to meet. It seems unfair to not get to meet someone you’ve already created this love for and had all the plans and excitement to see what they would become. It’s not fair that he was not given a chance and that I never even got to see his face or hold him in my arms.

Just last week I found myself reading Brandon’s poem and looking at the ultrasound pictures of our baby boy that is hanging at the top of the stairs. I love this memory even though it does make my heart ache. But since I have no real pictures or mementos of my baby boy, I treasure this. It’s all I have of him. I also wear my Pandora bracelet to all my special occasions and he has a charm on there so I can always remember him and have him with me. So he was there celebrating Brooklyn’s birthday with us yesterday.

So today we will follow our traditions and have dinner at Rubio’s, have my white remembrance flower, and light a candle for this baby boy we didn’t get to meet. I know he watches over us and I still think of him when I see butterflies and pennies on the sidewalk or the breeze hits me just right. I know he watches and protects his baby sister and now his future new baby sister. These girls have brought about sunshine after our storm, but the storm will never be forgotten.

If you’re family, please light a candle tonight for our sweet baby boy and to this day, please know how grateful we are for your love and prayers on this day 4 years ago. Today I will cry and grieve my baby boy and pray that God is still holding him close until we get to meet him to hold him in our arms ourselves.

I love you Baby Boy Ray.  Remember to give your loved ones extra hugs and kisses and never go to bed angry. Tomorrow is never promised.

Take our million teardrops, wrap them up in love, then ask the wind to carry them, to you in Heaven above.

I’ll Be There
Daddy please don’t look so sad,
Mama please don’t cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God,
Don’t think he is unkind.
Don’t think He sent me to you,
And then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
And I’m needed up above.
I’m the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming
That’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your window pane.
That’s me in the summer showers,
I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze
Form a gentle wind that blows,
That’s me I’ll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me I’ll be there
Giving your heart a hug.

So daddy please don’t look so sad
Mama don’t you cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus

And He sings me lullabies.


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