Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Due Date Approaches after Miscarriage

As our due date looms closer, I find myself missing my Baby Boy a lot again.  Overall I’m doing really well emotionally.  I’ve moved on from the grief that crippled me those first few months.  There are still a few things that can trigger some painful memories, but overall, I’ve healed as much as one can heal from this.  I’ll always have a scar though.

But as our due date is less than a month away, the lost future is starting to rear its head in my life again.  As I am excitedly awaiting the birth of my niece, it reminds me that we should be welcoming our new addition just a few short weeks later.  We had our future torn from us and it’s heartbreaking to remember that.

I can’t help but wonder what our little boy would have been like.  Would he have loved to read? Play sports? What would he have wanted to be when he grew up? Would he have gotten good grades? Would he behave or push the limits?  Who would he have been friends with? I have so many questions about my little boy that I won’t get answered until I get to see him when I get to Heaven.  I know that God is watching my baby, but I just wish I would have gotten to meet him.

While watching the Olympics, there was a story on Sarah Burke, a snowboarder who hit her head while in an unsanctioned competition a few years ago and died.  It really struck a chord with me when her mother said in the interview, “I used to tell everyone that the worst thing would be to lose Sarah.  But now I know that the worst thing would be to have never had her in my life at all”.  Maybe not those EXACT words, but pretty close.  And it’s so true.  Not getting to meet your baby is so hard.  You’ve missed out on so much.  Losing a child, no matter when, is heartbreaking.  And our baby still touched a lot of lives even though no one ever got to meet him.  But being robbed of ever getting to know him is something that is hard to accept.  So many what-ifs.  I had so many dreams.  And only one of them came true: getting to see him on our first ultrasound.  That’s the only time I got to see my baby.

So I’m going to do my best to honor my baby and be happy for the time we did have with him.  I’m going to light a candle for him on March 21, so that he knows that we’re thinking about him and miss him so very much.  And I know that when we do have a family of kids, he’ll be an amazing big brother watching out for his siblings on Earth.

I miss you Baby Boy Ray.  And I remind everyone out there to cherish every moment you have with your children and loved ones.  You never know when the last time you’re going to see them is.  Tomorrow is never promised.


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