The biggest and hardest life event that has ever hit us has
the first anniversary this week. As it
approaches, I find myself not only reflecting on how I felt 1 year ago, but
also what the future has in store for us moving forward and everything that has
happened in between. I’m of course
talking about the anniversary of losing our baby boy.
On September 18, 2013, we were given the terrible news that
our baby’s heart stopped beating at 13.5 weeks gestation. I had a really hard time with the news, and
had to have a D&C which also contributed to my downward spiral. Thank goodness I had a great support group –
not only was my husband absolutely amazing, but parents, friends, and family
were all there for me. I recently saw a
post on how people were shocked that the Duggar girl that is pregnant announced
her pregnancy so early. After my
experience, I recommend that everyone announce their pregnancies as early as
possible. Was it hard to talk
about? Absolutely. Did it get frustrating having people ask how
I was doing for two weeks straight? Sure
– but they’re just well meaning. But the
most important part of having shared this experience with the world is how much
love, prayers and support we received.
Some people forgot within days.
Some within weeks. A few checked
in a month or two later. After that most
people stopped asking. But by that
point, I was fairly healed – as healed as you can be after that. It definitely leaves a scar. But that’s what it should do. The support we had was amazing, and it is
much better than suffering in silence I think.
When I had my breakdown at Thanksgiving last year, everyone knew why. I
didn't come back to a bunch of questions of where we went and what was
wrong. Everyone knew and they knew I
just needed a few minutes to regroup. I
was told stories about miscarriages from people I had no idea that they went
through the same thing. You get stories
of hope. You get shoulders to lean and
cry on. And most importantly, you get
people praying for strength and healing for you.
There have been two important things I've learned through
going through this awful event. 1)
Tomorrow is never promised. You can’t
live life like there will be tomorrow.
You never know when the end is coming.
So you need to love with your whole heart every day. Strive to be the
best you can be every day. 2) Family is
there to support you through good times and bad. They don’t run away when things get tough –
they are there to give you strength and help pull you through. It doesn't do anything but hurt when you try
to keep things to yourself because you’re embarrassed or think people will
think differently about you. Don’t feel
bad about leaning on your support team when you need them. And make sure you are there for them when
they need it too.
Over the past year, my husband and I have become even
closer. Losing a child can have a
prolonged effect on a marriage – but luckily it just brought us closer. We leaned on each other when we needed it
(and we both needed it at different times).
We both dealt with our pain differently, but we were there for each
other and it only made us stronger. We
got pregnant again a few months later once we were both ready to try
again. This pregnancy has been just
fine.
When it clicked that our due date was a day after the anniversary
of losing our baby boy, I lost it. What
are the odds that that would happen? God
would take away a life one year, and bring us a different life almost exactly 1
year later. He obviously had a plan – I just
don’t understand it. Apparently, it
happens often that couples who miscarry end up with due dates around their
miscarriage. When you think about it, it makes sense. You have to wait anywhere
from 2-3 months to try again, and honestly, it takes about 3 months to
emotionally be ready to try again.
After I had this realization, I had told myself that I hope
our baby girl isn't born on the anniversary of losing our baby boy. Others suggest that it would help lessen the
pain – but all I see is that with that balance of sadness, also comes a
decrease in happiness for our daughter’s birth day. I don’t want to take anything away from
either one of them. But, if God’s plan
is for it to be the same day, I know I will get through it. My husband says that he knows we will be able
to handle it if that’s the plan we’re handed.
We had always planned to explain to our daughter why we light a candle
on Sept 18, we’ll just have to carefully explain why it is on her birth
day. My biggest fear though is that we’ll
be in the hospital on that day and completely forget that it’s the 18th
(if I’m in labor and delivering), or that we can’t light a candle in the room
(if I’m in recovery) to remember our son.
As excited as I am to meet our little girl, as the 18th
approaches, I can’t help but find myself sad and teary-eyed when I think about
it. I know our baby boy would be happy
to have a sibling, and I know he’s just as excited for us to meet her as we
are. But it’s still hard thinking that
we missed out on getting to know our little boy. And even when they’re still inside me, they
have little personalities, and I missed out on that too because we lost him so
early. I wish I had gotten to hold my
baby boy once, seen his face, felt his movement. I miss him.
He’s still part of our family.
But now we are about to welcome our baby girl, and we cannot take away
from her. We are excited for our Rainbow
Baby, but still miss our first baby very much.
I needed to write this post to not only reflect on the year
and the day coming up, but also to acknowledge that I have not forgotten my
baby boy. Even though when people ask if
this is my first baby, and I have to say yes, in my heart, Brooklyn is not my
first baby. My first baby is the baby
boy we lost. Brooklyn will be the first
baby I get to hold in my hands though – which will be special as well. Both of our babies have special meaning to us. I will update everyone once Brooklyn arrives
--- and if you’re family, please light a candle the evening of Sept 18th
(Thursday) for our baby boy. Let’s
remind him that he’s not forgotten – that he’s still in our hearts and we love
him just as much as we love Brooklyn.
