5 years. Has it really been 5 years already since I lost my
baby boy? While time has passed, I still can remember my feelings and the
events from that day vividly. My heart doesn’t hurt as much anymore, but I
still have a scar.
I’ve come to realize over these past 5 years that there is
nothing I could have done differently to save him and nothing I did caused us
to lose him. I’ve moved forward and have so much joy from the two little girls
we have with us. I don’t get angry people complain about their pregnancies or
about having to be a mom today. My grief has completed its course, but I do so
miss him.
I still find myself thinking about him often. I pray that
God is keeping good care of him. I feel cheated that I never got to see his
face, hear his cry, or feel his heart beat. What I would give to have any one
of those moments with him. As I see my older daughter gravitating to likes and
dislikes, I wonder what he would have liked and disliked.
I’m so thankful for my reminders as well. The ornament on
the Christmas tree every year. The charm on my charm bracelet – although it is
wearing down over these 5 years and the baby feet on it are wearing off. The
flowers we get every anniversary. And for the frame of the few mementos we have
of him: a few ultrasound pictures, my hospital bracelet, and the poem Brandon
wrote. My eye caught on it a few weeks ago when I was at the top of the stairs
and I had to read through it and look at my pictures.
I felt I needed to reflect since it’s the 5-year
anniversary. I’m amazed at how whole I feel emotionally now. Perhaps that is
the amount of love I have from my two girls. Perhaps it’s because I know he is
safe and watching over us. I do have a scar on my heart, but it’s whole again.
My daughter is almost 4, and this year she has asked the
question: “Mommy, what are the flowers for?” That was something new that I had
to address. How do I explain to a 4-year-old that mom and dad had been pregnant
before her and he died while in my tummy? She hardly understands death, let
alone what it would have meant to have had an older brother. I tried as best I
could, and she seemed happy with my answer. For now, anyway. She did ask what
his name was; Brandon fielded that one. We will have to explain why we go to
dinner on this night and what it’s about. We’ll light our candle tonight and
explain that.
I’m so thankful to our family and friends who have helped us
through this. I’m not sure Brandon and I could have healed as wholly as we did
if we didn’t have friends and family supporting us through it all. It still
touches my heart when I hear from a loved one about a candle being lit for him
on Sept 18.
September 18 will always hold a special place in our hearts.
We will always celebrate and mourn him every year on this date, but as for blog
posts, I don’t feel I need to post them anymore. My grief has run its course
and I’m so happy I was able to work through my emotions and grief and
potentially have helped others going through this.
I miss my baby boy and regret that I never got to hold him,
but I know God had a plan is keeping watch over him. I know he’s looking down
on us and is proud of his little sisters and one day we will get that chance to
meet him.
